What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive
The Emotional Toll of Unintended Remarks
Following her third miscarriage, Vicky Levens found herself returning to work the next day. Two colleagues, whom she claims were aware of her emotional journey, delivered remarks she found painful. A female manager noted, “At least” she was early in her pregnancy, while a male manager remarked on her appearance, suggesting she wasn’t fit for the reception desk. “I was in shock,” says Vicky, 29, from Belfast. The comments led her to resign during her next shift.
Common Misguided Comments
Over time, Vicky encountered various well-intentioned yet unhelpful statements from friends and family. These included phrases like “it’ll be your turn soon” or “just hold on to hope,” as well as unsolicited advice. “I know they’re trying to offer comfort,” she explains. “But, in the moment, when you’re going through the motions, I wish people wouldn’t say that, because it hurts.”
Taboo Topics and Cultural Pressures
Vicky isn’t the only one facing hurtful remarks during fertility challenges. Kay, 33, from Manchester, shared her experience during a Woman’s Hour episode. “You are met with really poor words from people,” she said. While most comments aren’t meant to be cruel, they often come across as dismissive. Kay recalls a close relative saying, “A lot of women have miscarriages, so you just need to get ready and not be dramatic about it,” just before she began IVF.
Statistics and Shared Struggles
According to the NHS, approximately 14% of couples face difficulties conceiving. In 2023, over 50,000 patients in the UK underwent IVF cycles, where embryos are implanted into the uterus. Despite this, those navigating infertility often find the topic difficult to discuss with loved ones. Chloe Cavanagh, 26, from Glasgow, who is on the NHS IVF waiting list, admits initial hesitancy to share her struggles. “There’s a sense of embarrassment,” she says. “Because that is what your body’s meant to do, so you feel like you’re failing yourself.”
Support Systems and Emotional Impact
Asiya Dawood, 42, a British-Pakistani woman in West London, highlights cultural pressures. In some South Asian communities, women who delay conception are frequently questioned about their “womanliness.” Relatives may quickly attribute infertility to career focus or not marrying young enough. “I didn’t go out, I didn’t have a social life,” Asiya says, describing her withdrawal during the struggle. She notes that asking for help can feel like a “sign of weakness,” but experts argue openness is vital.
Expert Perspectives on Fertility Conversations
Professor Joyce Harper of University College London (UCL) emphasizes the psychological toll of fertility treatments. “The process itself is a roller coaster, and then the days when you get that period or you’ve had your embryo transfer back—there are so many times when it becomes really difficult,” she explains. Dr. Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, adds that support doesn’t always come from expected sources. “It might be that your IVF support team are different to the people who would normally support you,” she says. She recommends utilizing clinic counselors as a resource.
Support That Makes a Difference
While some remarks sting, others can be deeply meaningful. Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, recalls “incredible” support from friends and family. After miscarriages, they brought her food, flowers, and vouchers for rest. Her parents even gifted her flowers for Mother’s Day. “It’s not just the big gestures,” she says.
“Small signs of support also mean a lot, such as people texting me saying…”
Elena’s story underscores the importance of personalized care during a challenging time.